Scared.

It has been so long since I’ve been back home. And now it’s actually going to happen. And now I’m scared. I can’t really explain it. All these years of pining and crying for home and now I am meeting it with some sort of hesitancy. It’s not that I don’t want to go home; I do with all my heart. But I’m scared that somehow, it won’t happen. As if it’s too good to be true and that something bad is lurking around the corner. I feel a little bit panicky and I hope that doesn’t grow the closer the time draws to go home.

I don’t know if anyone can understand. The first two years or so in the States, I didn’t miss home that much. I was distracted by being in a whole new country, trying not to feel like an outcast, I loved the comforts of constant electricity, running water, and how everything appeared to be so clean. I was trying to blend in. But I was 16. When I found myself as the adult I now am, I found home again, as corny as that sounds. Homesickness would wash over me in waves and thoughts of being back in Aba became more constant. Before I could go weeks without thinking of home, but those weeks became days.

Some people exaggerate about such things, but for me within at least the last two years, I have thought of Nigeria every single day. And I don’t mean I think of the country, politics, people and whatnot lol. I mean I think of MY Nigeria. The way I saw it growing up. I suppose my current fear stems from the fact of how physically disconnected I am from home. I suppose I’m scared to witness the change in person. I’m scared to see the house I grew up in. The house that when the electricity went out, I could walk around in the darkness to find a candle without bumping into anything.  The house I know will appear smaller once I step foot in it. I’m scared to see my father and realize that I grew taller.  My father who is closer to 70, but I spent a majority of my life picturing him as a man in his 50’s in that innocent manner children use when assuming their parents’ ages.

I just can’t believe it’s finally going to happen. I don’t know how many people out there have waited and waited and waited for something to happen, only it never did. I got so many hopes and false promises in the past. And those useless dreams of being home, but never being able to reach my house didn’t help either.

I’ve got it. You know what it feels like? This shit feels like my damn dreams all over again and all in one. THAT’S the feeling I’ve been trying to understand. Just like in my dreams, it is the feeling of excitement, panic, frustration and hopelessness but at the same time hope. It is the feeling of, “Oh, I’ve been here before and I know how it ends. It ends like all the other dreams before. I never get home.”

Maybe in real life, when I get home . . . maybe I will ask my father to drive me down the street leading to my home. Down that damn street that I spent countless dreams running on with a heart that was beating fast with two tunes of exhaustion and anticipation. Perhaps I will even get to walk down the last part of the street . . . I probably won’t knowing myself lol. I would be too scared that something could happen just like in my dreams. I know that fear will go away once I’m in my house and then I can take that walk.

Kechi Okwuchi

    I remember the Sosoliso plane crash. I had only been in the United States for a few months and I remember my extreme homesickness adding to my devastation of the plane crash that took 109 lives from us. 60 of them had been students from Loyola Jesuit College in Abuja and out of the 60, Kechi Okwuchi was the only survivor. With burns expanding to over 60% of her body and over 75 surgeries later, Kechi's story is one of perseverance and determination. I was lucky enough to carry out a phone interview with her. I remember Kechi's voice for the first time. It was strong, deep and with a certain sweetness to it.

Y: Tell me about the actual crash, if you may.
Kechi: The pilot announced that we were going to land in the airport in about 20 minutes and the plane started descending. I was in an aisle seat which is really unusual for me because I like the window so I couldn't really see what was going on outside. Suddenly everything seemed different. We were going down way too fast. Someone in the back was shouting. It was a woman's voice, "Is this plane trying to land?" When she said that, everyone started panicking. I looked to the side to my friend and she was looking really scared and I was probably looking just as scared.  So we held hands and tried to pray, but before we could even start to say, "In Jesus' name", there was this really loud, searing sound right in my ear and the next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital.

Y: Understand that you don't have to answer any of my questions, but how did you deal with the loss of your friends and the other people you knew on the plane?
Kechi: Well at that point when I woke up in the hospital, I automatically assumed that since I was alive, everyone else was alive too. I was told by the psychiatrist in the hospital 4 months later that I was the only survivor of all the students and only one of two survivors of the entire flight. I cried a whole lot. I was devastated. The first person I could think of was my friend Toke Bagru, the girl that was sitting beside me because she was my closest friend. She was the first person I thought of because she had been the last face I had seen before the crash. My mother was there with me the whole time, she's my rock. She let me cry everything out. I still cry, but I don't like the idea of being constantly sad about it. If I stay sad and constantly depressed, it's an insult to their memory. I want to live my life to the fullest, not just for myself, but for them too.

Y: How do you handle your scars? Mainly, how do you handle the way strangers look at you?
Kechi: It's a bit uncomfortable, I won't deny that. I try to make it not define me. Maybe it is America because people here are a little bit more reserved than in Nigeria where you know, strangers will walk up to you and go, "Ehh yaa, chai, what happened?" And in a way, that is actually a better reaction than the strangers here who stare in a really conscious way. I really don't have a problem with them looking because if it were me, I'd stare too. I try to put myself in their shoes and I don't really get annoyed as the world would think I would. It is a really gradual process.

Y: Well, let's move to a different aspect. Tell us more about your personality, what you do for fun, your friends, how sense of style. Really, anything.
Kechi: Well, pre and post the accident, I've always had this sense of confidence which I won't deny has helped me now. My friends describe me as a really cheerful and optimistic person and I see that. I like to smile and laugh a lot, I love joking around. I love video games and board games and I love spending time with my family. I love going to amusement parks, I love the fast rides. Fashion....well I like looking good. I really love looking good. I'm very fashion conscious, I go for comfort. My normal outfit during the day would be jeans and a t-shirt. I love different colored hats, I think because I lost the hair on my head, I just got into this hat crazy where my mother would get all kinds of hats for me. But recently I've been able to start wearing wigs. I love, love, love singing. It is my second favorite thing to do.

Y: What are your plans and hopes for your future?

Kechi: I want to work in an advertising agency. I'm studying Marketing and Advertising in college now. I would hope to have a career involving both. More importantly, I pray that I will be able to become the type of adult who is able to make a difference. I wouldn't have been able to make it this far if it hadn't been for people who helped me out of the kindness of their hearts. I want to do things out of the goodness of my heart and not just for my benefit. Especially for Shriner's hospital that has treated me so far. The things that they have done for me....if I had to pay, I wouldn't have been able to do it.

Y: What do you have to tell other out there about being comfortable in their own skin?

Kechi: No matter who and where you are, you are always going to encounter obstacles. We never give up. Giving up was the one thing that I was not allowed to do. If you get to a situation where you feel that you should just give up and let go, that is the moment that you know that you shouldn't give up. You want to be able to know that you tried. If people feel that their life is worse because of some kind of accident, someone somewhere is going through the same thing, or worse. It gives me hope because I know that I'm not alone in dealing with my problems.

"Shell Petroleum Development Company Nigeria, and the Shriners Kids Hospital USA have been pivotal to Kechi's surgeries, funding the countless surgeries that Kechi has undergone in the last five years. Shell covered her extensive treatment in South Africa, from 2005 till 2007. Upon Kechi's move to Texas in 2007, she received free treatment at Shriners Hospital, Galveston Texas, as she was under the age of 21, and a minor in the United States. However, Kechi turned 21 in October, making her a legal adult in America and unable to receive any more free treatment. Unfortunately, though Kechi's surgeries are far from over, she will have to fund them privately."

To see how you can help, please go to http://www.kechiokwuchifundraiser.com/ for more on her story and share it with people you know. It will go far people!

     Her words and spirit touched me and I hope it does the same for you all. RIGHT HERE is a video her cousin made for her and it certainly brought tears to my eyes the way he captured her beauty, eternally.

Clean Faces Project

     Growing up Nigerian, I never paid much attention to what I see as beautiful in our black women today. Perhaps I was just too busy living in the bright innocence of my childhood to pass judgement down on an individual's outer, material appearance.  I have always looked towards the width and warmth of a smile, how the eyes narrow with the expansion of the lips, and how the body moves together with a laugh. Of course as a child, I wasn't completely blind and naive to the standards of beauty that were set up for women. I would notice the light, blotchy effects of bleaching cream on certain women that let their faces stand out from the rest of their dark bodies, the black dots on their cheeks created by eyeliners to emphasize the depth of their dimples, and an occasional chipped tooth or two caused by an attempt to artificially create a gap between their front teeth.

     I never paid much attention to the different shades of skin that I saw back at home. I saw it all, although I have very patiently tried to explain to a few people here in the States on several occasions that not all Africans have the same skin tone. As I delved deeper into my studies at the Africana Studies Department of my University, I was taken back to the era of slavery and I have come to realize that the residue of the 'house' and 'field slave' mentality still lingers amongst us. Now of course bear in mind that the African and the African-American experience differs in several aspects, but there is still a fine thread that connects us all. An active member of the black community here, I have been a part of several discussions pertaining to black beauty. We've touched on it all. Weaves, clothes, make-up, how 'mixed' a woman is and so on. Women insist that they can't have natural hair because they don't have that 'good hair'. That they don't have 'Indian' in their family. That they need make-up to cover their blemishes. That weaves are essential. It really isn't anything that we haven't heard before.

     Then we turn to the media. Where black women fit into certain roles. We have our Jezebels and video  vixens. Women who become highly sexualized beings in movies and music videos, most bearing a certain lighter skin tone. We have our Mammies, the often overweight, good-natured black women that lack any desirable female qualities. Then we have our sassy, usually dark-skinned, finger snapping, head-rolling, ball-crushing woman. The list really does go on, but I'm sure that you can recognize the mentioned three in media and perhaps in real life as well.

     So I did the Clean Faces Project. I walked around campus and invited as many black women as I could find to be a part of it. I asked them to come make-up free, free of any artificial layering that would be distracting from their natural beauty. I told them that they could wear their hair in whatever state that they preferred, mainly because I believe a black woman's hair tells a lot on the woman's personality. I ask you all to look closely at each woman in these photographs. We all have our unique looks, a trait or feature that makes us stand out so let us step away from what the media tells us, what men want from us, even what our parents expect of us and see the plain, simple beauty that can be seen in our everyday, not-so-regular black women. 

   Photography: Cameron Davis (http://camerondavisfotos.tumblr.com/)

That Thing Called Love

The first picture we took together

     So some months ago, I got out of my first relationship of two and a half years. No, it was not an ugly break up though our relationship did have some intensely ugly moments. We cried and kissed each other good bye. He simply moved to pursue his dreams and I simply stayed to complete my education and graduate from college. I fell of the last person I ever expected to fall for. But we understood each other. We had our own smiles and quotes. We acted like children that had their own secret friendship that no one else could be a part of. And we loved each other protectively and fiercely. The sacrifices we gave for one another can not be counted. But unfortunately, he had to move. I am not going to talk about our negatives, just know that they existed.

     I gave him everything good I had in me and left myself with nothing. He threw his carefully guarded emotions at my feet and sacrificed so much for the both of us. We exhausted ourselves in our love. We became adults together but we needed to know what it is like to be adults apart. We are both experiencing this new found freedom so foreign independently. Of course we miss each other. We don't say it because we do not need to. I never thought I would find a relationship like this. Yes, I was one of those girls who would spend long, lonely nights not wanting to be alone. Wanting to be held, yearning for those tender kisses and comforting arms. I got it all. I remember the first time I saw him. He had just got done lifting weights outside his house and damn, he looked good. I paid him no mind though. Weeks later, I ran into him. Or rather, he stopped me in the mall. And he said my name. Sweet baby Jesus! Not only did this man remember my name, but he said it right! And so it began. I swear I did not like this man at first. He was interesting but his ideals on women disgusted me (that changed lol). But there was something about him. Despite his rough edges, he was a gentleman and his laugh....... I would be over at his house at 10pm, we would talk until 7am and I would doze off. I would wake up later to find him curled at the foot of his bed, keeping his distance while I sprawled my entire body all around.

      He fell for me when I would wear sweatpants, t-shirts and flip-flops (slippas) everywhere. He fell for me before I knew how to dress to impress, how to even wear heels and not stumble. And I was with him hopping fences and running to catch buses, walking miles in the cold (seriously, we walked in winter) and in the sun. He stayed with me when I discovered my passion in life and I stayed with him when he finally got a job, got himself into college again and became man enough to even adopt his younger brother. He was my Primal Man, and I was his Jungle Love (yup, that's how I created my other bigger blog). He was swift to judge men who looked at me, and I was the jealous banshee who made sure that no woman liked him lol. Neither of us had anything to worry about. I developed his slang which I still use on a daily basis and every now and then, he would break out in an attempted Nigerian accent. I fell in love with Jay-Z because of him and sometimes I would catch him singing some D'banj.
      He was my first true love, my best friend and probably the closest person I had to family. What we will become in the future, only distance and time can tell. We might drift apart and become strangers as most do but whatever the outcome, I am ready. I feel as if I have gone through the one experience I have always dreamt about. I finally know what it is like to fall in and out of love and my God, what an amazing feeling that is.

Charred and Forsaken

     Each year in Aba never went without a riot of some sort. I always remembered the Muslim/Christian clashes. My father would describe the bodies of Christian men, women, and children that had been slaughtered up North and stuffed into trains and sent back home. I would see the pictures myself in the newspapers. Bodies literally spilling out of the trains. Bloated and blank. And so it would begin. Christians would start killings of their own. I'm sure most Muslims were easy to pick out. Their dress, tribal markings and thick accents could not be hidden easily and swiftly enough. I remember walking out of my compound during a time like this and watching a crowd of people brutally beat a man to the ground. I remember seeing our neighborhood young cobbler, a small boy watching. I remember wishing that he would not stand around like that because he was Muslim and could get killed. My father told me to stay indoors after that because he was afraid people might mistake me for a Northerner because of some of my facial features.

Random pic.

     I do remember the burnt bodies.You could smell them a mile away. You could spot the massive vultures forming their ritual circles in the sky. I remember taking about this to my friends in the States and they were horrfied. I would be amused by their faces, each one looking upon my own as though expecting to see some sort of mental damage caused by the what I have witnessed. But let me tell you something, there is none. I have never tossed and turned at night, rolling in nightmares of death. The amount of death I have witnessed is nothing compared to what most have seen. These were not bodies of my friends and relatives. I had a Nigerian professor here in the States who says he still has nightmares involving the religious murders of his extended family and his flight from home. So I am fortunate.

random pic.

     Death is not something that we......well, at least I was shielded from as a child. I remember passing bodies on my way to school and I would hold my breath, and press my face upon the glass. I would strain my eyes for a better glimpse of the corpse. Usually the victims were those who had not been able to get away from the angry mob fast enough. Those who had perhaps stolen a purse and had been chased down. They became victims of Jungle Justice, justice by the people. I would arrive at school and my peers would be just as excited as I.

     "Did you see the body by Brass Junction!" one would exclaim. Never a question.

     "It didn't have a head!"

     "I think they cut it off before he died!"

     "No! It was after!"

     "The vultures were already eating him!"

     Morning conversation. Forgotten by noon.

     Now that I am older, I have grown less apathetic towards the matter. As I scroll over my memories, I no longer see simple, blackened bodies. I see people. I still feel no emotion towards them. No pity, no anger, no sadness. But I now recognize them as people who had loved ones. And I feel pity, anger and sadness for those who could still recognize their beloved despite the stench and decay. With all honesty, these emotions are fleeting and soon to be forgotten. But by doing so nonetheless, I feel as if I have paid my respects to the dead that I so blatantly gazed upon.

I Used To Be Bulimic

     The funny thing about my bulimia was that no one noticed. I did not lose a huge amount of weight. I was skinny but skinny people do exist so I never raised any eyebrows. As an African woman, I feel that admitting to an eating disorder is big. It took me years to tell anyone because I was so ashamed of such a weakness and I did not want to confront it. I am yet to meet any African individual open enough to discuss any eating disorder they may have had.

     And it all started in the States. As I have mentioned before, I went through an ugly duckling stage of life. And my older sister had her almost six-pack going on at that time so I constantly compared myself to her (little did I know she was going through stuff too). I did not do it to attract men, I did it simply because I wanted to be skinny and feel good about myself.

No one could tell I had an eating disorder. I was skinny but I still looked healthy.

     Anyway, I started to workout for  about two hours everyday. I would eat little all day and stuff my belly at night. I would feel so defeated once that 'full' feeling came about so one day, I put my fingers down my throat. And I kept on doing it. I loved that I could eat so much and enjoy the food but throw it all up and get that empty stomach feel. I was 17 at that time I do believe and in my senior year of high school. I did not overcome this until my last semester freshman year in college.

At my smallest. Prom '07

     I threw up every single day. My eyes would be bloodshot for hours. I had no problem going out to eat as long as I could rush back home and get rid of it all. How did I stop? I wish I could say that I went to therapy, that I prayed, that I had people stand by me through it all but once again, no one knew. 

     I was talking to one of my friends as we browsed through magazines looking at the models and she brought it up. She casually talked about the damage that it does to the body but one stuck with me for some reason; enlarged neck glands underneath the jawline. Later that night, I went to the mirror and looked at myself properly for the first time in years and all I saw were: 

Swollen neck glands underneath the jaw line lol.

     And that was it. It was something simple and almost superficial that made me quit that same night. The small swelling under my jaw was ugly to me so I simply stopped. That was in late 2008. I never got the urge to do it again. The swelling never fully went away or maybe it's just my imagination at this point. As a woman, I still struggle with issues concerning weight. I still have a poor and possibly unhealthy eating diet. But I love myself more. I go to the gym more and when I can't, I don't beat myself up about it. I love ice cream and chocolate, I eat them when I want. I do not deny my body what I desire but everything has to be done in moderation of course. 

     My thighs jiggle and my belly has a fold in it when I sit or bend over.  I am fine with that. I have love-handles that occasionally sneak out over the top of my jeans but that's cool. Not all clothes look good on me or fit me right. But that's no problem, I find clothes that do. I am not alway happy with my body, but I am happier than I ever was. Understand?

Random picture of a friend and I. I am this happy lol.

And I love the little curves I do have.

  

Yet Another of My Rants

This is a seriously one-sided argument on my part and I have no problem admitting it. If you are offended by this, you are overreacting.